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Steve On Staffing Problems
‘I’ve got to watch the shop as everybody is away in the heid…’
“Dan…you’re rubbish at chuckin’ oot the rubbish”
‘What d’ye no understand, in case I patronise you…’
‘Ricky, do you mind if I call you Ricky?...’ (to work experience boy)
‘Right boys, you’re just the men’
‘…Its alright son, the receipts are carbonated…’
‘…I think Craig’s taken a leaf out of Alan Beattie’s shoes…’
Steve On Stock Issues
‘…before the serial number was impregnated on the body…’
‘…I’ve got banjos comin’ out of ma brains…’
‘People buy a Twin Reverb because it’s a Twin Reverb.’
‘The rack ears took feet’
‘Cort Blimey!’
‘…Is that brand new? It wisnae a minute ago…’
‘They’re selling like wild cakes…’
‘It’s a great soundin’ amp when it works, it just disnae work!’
‘Is that 10 quid thing 13 quid?’
‘The amp sounds like it disnae have the speakers plugged in!’
Steve On Hi-Tech Products
‘I’m like a memory stick withoot the memory!’
‘…do these dusters work?...’
‘It shouldnae be that different, except you get a wee bit more analogue’
‘These cabs love it at 2 ohms, they could stay there all day.’’’
‘That feels like 8ohms to me…’
‘…Do Yamaha still make them Roland speakers?...’
‘Your crossover’s not limiting, it’s crossovering….’
‘…can we have a bit more IQ in the monitors…’
Steve On Haute Cuisine
‘…Do ye want a piece on sandwich?...’
‘…I’ll have some of that roughcast mustard…’
‘…Hey Mo, where are you going with that scone in your hand?...’
‘…I ate so much rigatoni I went aff ma heid…’
‘…Have you ever noticed that all beer bottles are green except Babycham?..’
‘ma pizza wiz that big, like wheelchairs’
‘It’s like pluggin intae a black puddin’ ‘supper…’
Steve On Graphic Design
‘…Can you not make that a lighter shade of black…’
‘Does light shine light when its dark…’
‘…I’ve drawn a brick wall here…’
On Knowing his Limitations
‘…I’ve got an alarm in ma house, but I dismembered it…’
‘I’ve not made any headroom with that yet…’
‘…I’ve only got two pairs of hands…’
‘…Is various more than two…?’
‘We’ve have to sticten up our paperwork…’
Steve’s Thoughts On History
‘…It used to be a bike shop for donkeys…’
‘…Once upon a blue moon time…’
Analogies
‘…Its like a small Japanese person you’ve just laminated over…’
‘…Its closer to Lambrusco than what it is to a dry red wine…’
‘…It’s the difference between a fish supper and a black pudding…’
Steve On Supply Problems
‘The guy that does it, disnae dae it…’
‘So is your imminent different from everyone else’s imminent?…’
‘It’s rubbish no havin’ any bin bags…’
Steve On Philosophical Matters
‘A change is as good as a wink to a blind bat…’
‘She needs her ‘bing bong’ before her ‘doo-daa’
‘The fish calling the kettle black…’
‘Nae luck for the wicked…’
‘…I was reading about this guys life… He’s got some antibiotic…’
Steve On Financial Issues
‘…we’re not even in the same ballpark figure…’
‘…at the end of the bottom line…’
Steve On Chronology
‘…What day is it the night?...’
‘…What day is it today? Reply : Saturday the 23rd, So what day is tomorrow then?’
‘Long time no see’ (talking to a blind customer)
‘…How long does an hour last?...’
‘I’ll give you a phone back in three minutes… away and boil an egg’
‘You’re only in here once a day…’
‘I even put urgent on it, when its aboot as urgent as a doughnut walkin under a….******* steamroller’
‘It looks like the land that time forgot…’
‘…I need that before first thing in the morning…’
Steve On Customer Relations
‘You’re the same weight as me if you’re a day…’
‘What is this, an Asian invasion?’
‘Your causing an epidemic…’
‘Yer aff the righter scale noo!’
‘Is that Tim Black? You didnae sound like Tim Black, you sounded like Tim White…’
Customer : ‘Is that American? Steve : ‘Naw, It’s Californian…’
‘Ah’ve never heard of half these bands, it’s all Hoblob McGoblob…’
VARIOUS UTTERANCES
‘It knocks flines roon it…’
‘The problem is… I don’t have a problem with that…’
That just looks like an egg that somebody’s given a fright tae…’
‘He probably sailed up in a rowing roat…’
‘Dumbarton’s away out in yoyo…’
‘That was the most awful plectrum I’ve heard in ma life’
‘Get me some of that chewing gum of mass destruction’
‘Has the cat got enough litter for another sitting…’
‘I actually got hold of a guy whos never contacted me…’
‘We’ve got fly cleaner just outside the microwave…’
‘…What’s Ralph short for?’
‘The units bigger than the unit…’
‘…It was legitimately stolen…’
‘…Its got to be more than accurate…’
‘…It’s no sweat off our nose…’
‘… Just write your name down there and make sure it’s edible…’
‘…Linlithgow must be the most pubulated place in the world…’
‘…Ma maw’s got a dish table like that…’
‘…My plectrum has run out of steam…’
‘…Paper towels are a rip-off…’
‘…these socks really do work…’
‘They measured it in cubic weight…’
....and it’s Contagious! Customers and Staff alike are not immune
‘…It’s the first time I’ve opened a bottle of milk for donkeys…’(Ralph Teviotdale)
Emerson, Lake and Palmer, was there only three of them? (Andreas Johnson)
Do you have any multi-dimensional mics’ (customer)
‘Steph! Just the man…’ (Lenny Higgins)
‘What are we doin’ for Christmas this week…’ (Ricky Nicholson)
‘…How much was that free thing again?...’ ~(Robert Mullen)
‘Right, the first thing is, two things first… ‘ (Robert Mullen)
‘Is that a long shortscale neck…’ (Doug Laing)
‘I’ve got Led Zeppelin 1,2, and 4. What’s the third one called again? (John Paterson)
‘…That wisnae too painless…’ (John Paterson)
‘Its like rum and raisin, without the rum or the raisin…’ (John Paterson)
‘Do you accept English credit cards in here?’ (customer)
Have you got any of those spectrums for a guitar? (customer)
‘Ah can get a drummer to dae that, as long as he’s no a cucumber…(Big George)
‘That guitar is good value for money… How much is it? (Jimmy Egypt)
‘…there’s a firestation over there, does that ring any bells?’ (Robert Mullen)
‘I’m not the brightest tool in the box…’ (Lenny Higgins )
‘Is it not right, is that what’s wrong with it.?’(Mrs Currie, Milngavie Flower Club)
Lenny: ‘Have they still got a photocopier up there, ‘Robert Mullen ‘Aye, but its always on or off’
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